If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
