can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
