Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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