she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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