Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
