Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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