She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
