No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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