Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
