I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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