wakey wakey hands off snakey
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
