I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
