so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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