My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so let's talk penis.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
