I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
