She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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