My liver just broke up with me...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He passed out mid-signature
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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