So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
