And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
