I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
