I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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