Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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