I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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