i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I fill condoms, not promises.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
