she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
