I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
