i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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