yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
