Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
