Someone shit on the floor
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
