his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize