Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
