I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
