Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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