Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
