i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
