did you get engaged???
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
