where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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