Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
