There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
