Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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