She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
