ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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