I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
