I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
