how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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