giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
