It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
