did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
