I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
