Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
