I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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