It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
