my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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