I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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