there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
