we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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