But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
